The Lady in the Snow
Frilly frocks and golden locks as she danced in the snow,
She wondered where he be here or there, but she didn't want to know.
He walked up to her, a confused blur, as she twirled gayly around,
And when she stopped, her brow she mopped, shocked by seeing him 'round.
Being a lady, acting quite bravely, she yelled at him loudly to go.
With his smile and his grin, her fear didn't sink in 'till he said coldly "I don't think so."
"As you were in the snow, spinning free to-and-fro you were having just too much fun."
He then pulled out a gun, and before she could run, her blood spinned and twirled onto the snow.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Angel17. Keep working on it, and you will have a great poem.
I liked the sudden shocking event, it certainly shocked me as the reader! Your rhythm was off, but the way it was wriiten was good. I thought you really managed to grab your readers attention with this.
knarly man!
The poem is vague. The first sentence is incomplete, ‘Frilly frocks and golden locks’ did what ‘as she danced in the snow,’? a verb is missing between the phrases-don’t you think? Then, the second sentence is confusing-first she wonders and then she doesn’t want to know?
Otherwise, I liked the way you have depicted an incident so strong in so few words-you are good at being short and precise. I also like the rhythm of the poem-well done by keeping the beat alive throughout. I think you should know that the past tense of ‘spin’ is ‘spun’ and not ‘spinned’ as you’ve used in the last line. And ‘gaily’ is spelt wrong in the third line.
I think I know why the poem sounded kind of off with the rhythm. I counted the syllables per line, and it's not actually "loudly" that throws it off as much as the entire poem isn't consistent— at all!
Here's the syllable count.
13. A nice little number of syllables, no?
Erm... 16 syllables...
16 again, oh good, that's what we're going to stick to then. 16.
19? Where did that come from? We're adding syllables then, are we?
18 this line. Okay then, now I'm confused.
21 syllables! This is maddening! #-o
20....
21 again!
So now maybe you can figure out how to fix your metering. It's kind of off. Another thing is "spinned" isn't a word. So fix that too.
Um... maybe I can stop editing my own stupid work.
Whoa that surprised me at the end never expected that. Intresting rythem, but Grif and Llama are right loudly slows the rythem. Apart from that great poem really surprised me. (lol)
I think loudly kind of slows the pace of the sentence too fast.
Llama is right also, it is a shocking twist of events.
It seems kind of clever to me though. Your purpose was to throw the reader off balance, which you accomplished quite brilliantly.
Well done.
There is something pleasantly off about this. The rythm reads a little weird to me, I can't seem to find it. But I like the rhyme scheme and the humorous nature. The ending is a little to cryptic for the jolly nature of the poem. We start off kind of light hearted and can't be expected to move into morbid humor so quickly. Its shocking, and in the right context that works, but I think that here its a little too much too fast.